30.5.10 @ 23:29
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I have this plant. It just sits in my room and doesn’t ever do anything. I suppose it grows. Bit by bit, one green leaf at a time. Besides stealing my oxygen it really just takes up space. It doesn’t make me happy. I tend to avoid looking at it out of guilt. I’m neglectful of it and it haunts me. There are nights I wake up in a panic feeling the spindly (but surprisingly strong) vines wrapped around my neck. I wouldn’t say I’m intentionally trying to kill it I’m just not putting any effort forward to see it live. Not like it matters. This plant would be able to weather a house fire and come out of it singed but holding on. I only water it when the guilt becomes too much. Once I ‘accidently’ over watered then left the room quickly. Nope it just won’t die. In fact the smallest amount of water perks the darn thing right up and spurs it on to life again.

Today I noticed some of the leaves were yellowing and others had withered and died. Ihad a moment of charity so I plucked and pruned until it looked healthy again. Then it hit me. Like a full body collision with Oprah at her heaviest. This annoying, spunky, stubborn piece of greenery was just like me. Stay with me. I know how lame it sounds. But listen; sometimes I feel like a waste of space. Like it doesn’t matter what I do or saybecause ultimately it won’t matter. No one really cares? I don’t look after myself. Not like I’m supposed to anyway. I eat too much or I don’t eat at all. I listen to lies about myself: I’m ugly, fat, dumb, invisible…

When I take the time to do something good for myself I feel better; I perk right up. When I pull off the dead stuff I not only look better but I feel different and have room to grow agian. The boyfriend that doesn’t seem to even like me or the friends that drag me down are like the dead leaves. Once they’re gone the whole picture is different. We all have an inner voice that lies and bullies us. Would we really put up with a friend who tells us we’re fat and useless? The obvious answer is no we shouldn’t.

I don’t know about you but today I’m going to do a little bit of gardening. I could use some extra watering and attention. If I’m still feeling inspired I may even do some weeding. There are somethings in my life that can certainly go. I may even paint my toe nails. Hot pink. With one red pinky. Just because.